"As jy eers groot is moet jy nooit vergeet wat jou ma jou deur jou kinderjare geleer het nie.So gesels 'n vriend wat dié e-pos oor sy wat sy ma hom alles geleer het, aangestuur het. My ma het my geleer:
1. hoe om te bid: " Jy moet bid dat daardie kol op die mat uit is voordat ek vanaand by die huis kom."
2. van fotosintese: " Lyk dit vir jou of geld op my rug groei?"
3. om altyd nederig en klein te wees: " Mannetjie! "
4. van die weer: " Dit lyk of 'n orkaan jou kamer getref het."
5. om myself te ontdek: " Hou op om soos jou soos jou pa te gedra."
6.oor die wetenskap van osmose: " Bly stil en eet jou kos."
7. van uithouvermoeë: " Jy sal by die tafel sit tot jy jou spinasie opgeëet het."
8. van sintuie: " Kinders word gesien en nie gehoor nie."
9. van humor: " Hou aan lag dan gee ek jou iets om oor te huil."
10. van jaloesie: " Daar is duisende arm kindertjies wat ouers soos joune begeer."
11. van Wiskunde: " Sit jy al weer en tande tel?"
12. van logika: " Want ek sê so en dis hoekom."
13. daar is 'n tyd en 'n plek vir alles: " As julle mekaar wil vermoor, gaan doen dit buite! Ek het nou-net hier skoongemaak."
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Dink jy dat jy het probleme?
Liewe Dokter Murray
My pa en ek woon saam in 'n woonstel en ons het 'n radio en 'n TV. Hy is 'n wewenaar en ek is ongetroud. Onder ons woon 'n weduwee en haar dogter, sonder 'n radio of TV. Hulle kom kuier gereeld by ons en ek raak toe verlief op die weduwee. Ons trou toe uiteindelik.
Intussen raak my pa verlief op die dogter en hulle trou toe ook.
Net daar begin my probleme. Omdat my pa met die dogter van my vrou getroud is, (ook my dogter), is my dogter nou my ma. Ek is ook terselfdertyd haar pa, omdat ek met haar ma getroud is. Verder is my pa my vrou se skoonseun en ek is dus sy skoonpa omdat ek met die ma van sy vrou getroud is.
Toe kry my vrou 'n seuntjie. Dit is ook my seun en die broer van my skoondogter, omdat sy die dogter van my vrou is. Die seuntjie is ook ek en my pa se swaer. Ek is dus my eie seun se neef en ook die neef van my skoondogter, omdat sy my seun se suster is. Daarom is my skoonma ook my tannie.
Toe kry my pa se vrou ook 'n seuntjie en hy word dus my broer. My seun is oom van my kleinkind, omdat hy die broer van my dogter is. My vrou is sy ouma grootjie, want sy is die kind van haar dogter. Ek is dus sy oupa grootjie. Aangesien die oupa grootjie van my broer ook myne is, is ek dus my eie oupa grootjie!
Dokter moet asb help, Wie is ek nou eintlik? Ek sukkel deesdae vreeslik met my selfvertroue. Wie is ek nou eintlik en hoe beland mens in so ‘n gemors?
Help tog.
Jan
Brakpan
My pa en ek woon saam in 'n woonstel en ons het 'n radio en 'n TV. Hy is 'n wewenaar en ek is ongetroud. Onder ons woon 'n weduwee en haar dogter, sonder 'n radio of TV. Hulle kom kuier gereeld by ons en ek raak toe verlief op die weduwee. Ons trou toe uiteindelik.
Intussen raak my pa verlief op die dogter en hulle trou toe ook.
Net daar begin my probleme. Omdat my pa met die dogter van my vrou getroud is, (ook my dogter), is my dogter nou my ma. Ek is ook terselfdertyd haar pa, omdat ek met haar ma getroud is. Verder is my pa my vrou se skoonseun en ek is dus sy skoonpa omdat ek met die ma van sy vrou getroud is.
Toe kry my vrou 'n seuntjie. Dit is ook my seun en die broer van my skoondogter, omdat sy die dogter van my vrou is. Die seuntjie is ook ek en my pa se swaer. Ek is dus my eie seun se neef en ook die neef van my skoondogter, omdat sy my seun se suster is. Daarom is my skoonma ook my tannie.
Toe kry my pa se vrou ook 'n seuntjie en hy word dus my broer. My seun is oom van my kleinkind, omdat hy die broer van my dogter is. My vrou is sy ouma grootjie, want sy is die kind van haar dogter. Ek is dus sy oupa grootjie. Aangesien die oupa grootjie van my broer ook myne is, is ek dus my eie oupa grootjie!
Dokter moet asb help, Wie is ek nou eintlik? Ek sukkel deesdae vreeslik met my selfvertroue. Wie is ek nou eintlik en hoe beland mens in so ‘n gemors?
Help tog.
Jan
Brakpan
Increase?
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why
Do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
Do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
The Parrot
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
A Teenager is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.
A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Murphy's Lesser known Laws
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Blood tests
Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!
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